Comes and Goes in Waves

I met Schultzy 5 years ago and I lost him 8 months ago. I took the news of his death pretty hard on that mid-September day and have tried to process the void his loss left in my life. Quite frankly, I have been a little surprised at how much I have missed someone that I only spoke with a few times a month and only got to see once every few months, but we had a bond and a deep appreciation for each other that traversed my marriage, my divorce, his several failed relationships, the loss of the Beages, as well as everyday hurdles and challenges.

 I've been at the beach attempting to decompress after what we'll call a challenging year; both professional and personal and have thought of Schultzy every day that I've been here. More puzzling was that I had been missing him several weeks before I arrived here. It's not surprising that I think of him here; he loved the beach and the water as much as I do and found just as much solace and inner peace as I do.  So with hours by myself to just think while sitting under my umbrella with my toes in the sand, I began to deconstruct 'him.' And whereas this doesn't mean much to the rest of you, I felt that I needed to give all of my thoughts and feelings a 'voice' and hopefully walk away from this experience a stronger and more settled human concerning him. Here are my random thoughts:

1.) Though we only have one mutual friend, and that is a random connection, we were close and I can stop trying to explain our friendship. It just 'was' and we were always there for each other through good and bad.

2.) I relied on his advice, sense of humor, music, and simply, his being, more than I ever understood. I nick named him "Bio Rhythm Boy" because he would randomly contact me when I was thinking of him or if I needed to talk to him--he got me and had an innate way of knowing when it was important that I have him around for a few, or many as was much of the time, drinks and conversation.

3.) He was a dreamer and reminded me that I am too and that that is a good thing. We randomly met a bar, having a cigarette outside, and discussed Fitzgerald at length. That initial summer of 2010 conversation led to many more at length discussions and literary quotes to try and one up the other. Though some of my favorite memories involved him drunk texting me about his German and Viking heritage; most notably concerning dragons, yes, I said dragons. One morning I texted him about the previous night's conversation and with no apologies on his end, but his explanation, "Sometimes when I get drunk I like to slay dragons." I still smile and laugh when I think of that moment. That sums him up; he was a dreamer, a comedian, and always comfortable being simply him.

4.) He had a great love of music, literature, and the beach. This is where we really connected. I will always think of him when I read the Sun Also Rises and each and every time I put my toes in the sand or board a boat. We used to send each other pictures each time we were on the water or at the beach; I've really struggled with that this trip, which is why I'm writing this.

And most importantly, I remembered to yet again allow the waves and sand heal me. I have stopped trying to stop missing him and have allowed myself to remember him and the 5 years of friendship that we had while I've been sitting on the sand and watching the tides. I may not be able to text or call him, but I know that he would be happy for me that I am here and he would tell me to enjoy it and go to Irish Eyes for the Mahi Mahi and a few drinks.

So my dear, I raise my vodka/soda to your Bacardi and Coke and thank you for each moment that we shared. I hope that you have found your "Winter Dreams" and that you are sailing your beautiful boat each and every day for eternity.