Sitting on the Rail

As most of you know, my ass frequently finds itself on a bar stool and has for many years. Due to all of those hours, I have made many an observation and partaken in the great activity of people watching. Some people go to the bar to escape and self medicate, some to watch a game, some for a date, and some for camaraderie after a long day at work. Me? I go to be alone most of the time. See, what I have discovered over the past few years is that really, I am an introvert and because the majority of my jobs have been in customer service where I engage with people, including my staff, all day long, I like my quiet time. Many people will say, "Then why don't you just stay home?" Great question. Honest answer: as my friend Jimmy Cocktail said once, "I don't like people, but I am a herd animal." Yep, that sounds about right. The problem being is this: I don't mind people, what I mind is idiocy, wasteful small talk, and this concept that just because I am a single chick in a bar by myself that I am looking for a hook up or a new friend. Hate to break it to you, folks, but all I want to do is sit quietly, have a few drinks, and watch the game. Here are a few of my pet peeves:

1.) No, simply, no - Just because I am alone and a girl, this does not give you the right to attempt to strike up a conversation, touch me, or buy me a drink. If I wanted any of these things, I would have engaged with you earlier. More importantly, when I clearly give you all of the signs that I do not want any of these said offerings, I'm really not being a bitch or cold; you're just too dumb to recognize that I don't want to talk to you. Also, you are not the most interesting man in the world, so get over your ego that a girl didn't want to 'enjoy your company.'

2.) Sports -  It has been made very clear to me that some men have a 'man' sized brain and that only they are capable of understanding a game, be it baseball, football, basketball, hockey, etc. because apparently it is a breaking news flash that I "sure know a lot about sports for a girl." Really?! Thanks Jim Bob for that compliment that I have almost been elevated to your superior mental level. Look, I love sports, and have my entire life, and because I am an inquisitive and somewhat intelligent person, I like to understand the game that I am watching. I also like to gamble, so knowing stats and records helps me to win those $1 bar bets as well as secure some serious bragging rights. Yes, I am a girl and I know sports; now please leave me alone.

3.) Girl Power - I also bask in the moments when there is another alone female on the rail and she wants to bond. Look sister, just because we are both here alone and both possess a vagina and boobs, does not mean that I want to be BFF's. Truly, I don't care that your boyfriend is an asshole, that your mother is crazy, or that the 25yo who just walked into the bar "is so hot!" I just want to watch my game and have a few drinks. If you're looking for Oprah, you sat down next to the wrong chick.

4.) Being a Regular - Since I do spend so many hours on a bar stool, I know my bartenders and have become good friends with some of them. Here's the deal: Yes, I know the bartender. Yes, I know his/her name. No, this will not get you served any faster, nor will it help you to get: a free drink, your game on, or the privilege to call him/her by their name if they did not introduce themselves. The 'industry' is a small, tight knit group and whereas all of my bartenders take care of me, we regulars take care of them. Oh, and just because I am talking to the bartender does not mean that we are dating, and no, I still don't want to talk to you.

5.) Why them? - There are many occasions where I do actually meet interesting, fun people in a bar and I genuinely enjoy the moments of talking ball, books, whatever. When this happens after I have rebuked you, the most interesting man in the world, please don't throw a tantrum; just be an adult and recognize that not every girl wants to hear your story, get your number, or go home with you. If you really want someone to talk to, call your friends or your therapist or just go home to your wife.

6.) Is that your guy? - Ah, yes, the moment where one of male friends, which is the majority of my inner circle, leaves and the guy next to me asks that ice breaker of a question: "Is that your guy?" Well, yes, in a way, I mean he is one of my closest friends. Oh wait! You wanted to know if we're dating? Ha! Apparently I missed that memo that I can only sit next to a guy and talk to him if I'm sleeping with him, or that's the best intro the most interesting man in the world can drum up. 

7.) My phone - Let's revisit the heading to this point and highlight the word "My." Because of the logistics of the evening, you, the most interesting man/girl in the world, are seated next to me. Maybe we have said a few words or more than likely, maybe not. Due to the fact that you are 6 inches away from my elbow, as well as the point that I have probably not spoken with you, this does not grant you private detective status to try and read my texts or look at my screen to see whom is texting me. It is rude, it is intrusive, and frankly, it is none of your damn business. 

So, yes, I could just stay home and not deal with the above listed annoyances. Really, I am truly not that bitchy, well, maybe I am...anyway, what it comes down to is that I'm choosy about who I want to engage with during my down time. It is really just that simple. In reality though, this list is minuscule compared to the great moments, memories, and friendships that have come from me sitting in a bar, which is why my ass still finds itself on a bar stool. So, friends: Drink well, drink often, and see you on the rail!