What I learned on my Summer Vacation

Now that Labor Day has officially happened, it is now the 'off' season at the beach. This is the first time in all of my 41 years that I was able to experience Memorial Day, July 4th, and Labor Day at the beach and it has been quite the experience. I packed up and left Alexandria and the DC area in Late June, though I had already been staying here in Lewes, DE for a month. During the past 3 months or so, I have met some incredible people and have had some memorable moments during what I have nick named the "Endless Summer." I have also worked through a ton of personal baggage, have learned to run far, far away from anyone and anything that deemed dramatic, as well as find that part of me that needed to re-emerge in full force. Yeah, buckle up kids, I'm back. So, as the kids have headed back to classes, here is a list of what I have learned during my summer at the beach:

1) The beach in Lewes really, truly is my place of respite and quietness.
2) That being said, I easily found myself in old routines of going to the 'hometown' bar every night.
3) That being said, I have also met some awesome and amazing friends because my ass likes to sit on a bar stool and watch Nats games.
4) Boys are dramatic. Period.
5) Men are not. And there, folks, is the difference that I have been searching for throughout the past few years.
6) I was able to see almost all of my cousins, their kids, and aunts & uncles this summer and visit with them and reconnect. Priceless.
7) My parents are the most understanding, patient, giving, supportive, and gracious humans to ever walk this earth.
8) 7 hours on the beach with my toes in the sand and warm sun are the most healing aspects I can ever need at any point...this includes recovering from a hang over...
9) "you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need." I finally learned to listen to this and now appreciate it more than ever; thanks BB!
10) I'm a nerd and I need to read, a lot.
11) I am actually strong enough to say 'good bye.'
12) I may actually, possibly, not sure, still figuring it out, but willing to give it a try, be able to trust a relationship again.
13) Tenacity is one of the top 3 strengths any human can possess. It always pays off, even if it is not on 'your' timeline. Stay focused on your goals and keep pushing forward through all of the muck and shit that Life challenges you with at every turn.
14) I need more 'alone' time than I ever realized and I now recognize the tells of when that needs to happen.
15) Bar friends are still some of the most amazing people you will meet. They care, genuinely.
16) I still refuse to grow up, but I realized that I do like being an 'adult' way more than I ever imagined.
17) I miss my friends in Old Town more than I thought.
18) I also found out who my true friends are in Old Town after I moved.
19) My nephew is one of the most important people in my life; that became even more apparent this summer.
20) I have been able to see my sister almost every two weeks and even though she's the 'baby' sister, she keeps me grounded and I am forever grateful for every minute that we hang out or talk.
21) Shawn Colvin and David Gray were always favorites. They are now mentors and gods after close to a hundred hours of listening to them on the beach.
22) Owning 'all' of you is hard and painful, but worth it after you face the 'demons.'
23) Sometimes you get stuck in a 'ditch' and you need to ask for help from your closest people. My cousin Josh is still more of a 'brother' to me and we will always be there for each other. Period.
24) Listening to music in the dark on the porch with a cocktail is some of the best down time anyone could ever wish for.
25) I am now a fan of the Bachelor/ Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise franchise. Don't judge.
26) I hate people, but I have allowed myself to open up to few amazing individuals who have helped me through this 'great experiment.'
27) Forgive everyone who has hurt you. Not for their sakes, but for yours. Life is much simpler when you do--no one's perfect and Life is hard.
28) With that being said, learn from past mistakes and don't settle for anything less than what makes you happy and feels 'right.'
29) And no, no one 'needs to' or can 'fix you,' 'save you,' or take care of you. The ones that say this all have their own agendas for you and that is suffocating and unnecessary.
30) The ocean is the most powerful and peaceful work of Nature available. Make every moment count when in it's presence.

This summer has been one of the most delightful and frightening experiences of my life, but its kind of funny how everything began to come together at the same time. I will be forever grateful for the support and generosity of my friends and family, all of whom have helped me in so many ways to get through the last few months. This is still the 'great experiment,' but it just may work out and I can keep my toes in the sand year round for the next few years. Drink well, Drink Often, and Be Kind.

Sitting on the Rail

As most of you know, my ass frequently finds itself on a bar stool and has for many years. Due to all of those hours, I have made many an observation and partaken in the great activity of people watching. Some people go to the bar to escape and self medicate, some to watch a game, some for a date, and some for camaraderie after a long day at work. Me? I go to be alone most of the time. See, what I have discovered over the past few years is that really, I am an introvert and because the majority of my jobs have been in customer service where I engage with people, including my staff, all day long, I like my quiet time. Many people will say, "Then why don't you just stay home?" Great question. Honest answer: as my friend Jimmy Cocktail said once, "I don't like people, but I am a herd animal." Yep, that sounds about right. The problem being is this: I don't mind people, what I mind is idiocy, wasteful small talk, and this concept that just because I am a single chick in a bar by myself that I am looking for a hook up or a new friend. Hate to break it to you, folks, but all I want to do is sit quietly, have a few drinks, and watch the game. Here are a few of my pet peeves:

1.) No, simply, no - Just because I am alone and a girl, this does not give you the right to attempt to strike up a conversation, touch me, or buy me a drink. If I wanted any of these things, I would have engaged with you earlier. More importantly, when I clearly give you all of the signs that I do not want any of these said offerings, I'm really not being a bitch or cold; you're just too dumb to recognize that I don't want to talk to you. Also, you are not the most interesting man in the world, so get over your ego that a girl didn't want to 'enjoy your company.'

2.) Sports -  It has been made very clear to me that some men have a 'man' sized brain and that only they are capable of understanding a game, be it baseball, football, basketball, hockey, etc. because apparently it is a breaking news flash that I "sure know a lot about sports for a girl." Really?! Thanks Jim Bob for that compliment that I have almost been elevated to your superior mental level. Look, I love sports, and have my entire life, and because I am an inquisitive and somewhat intelligent person, I like to understand the game that I am watching. I also like to gamble, so knowing stats and records helps me to win those $1 bar bets as well as secure some serious bragging rights. Yes, I am a girl and I know sports; now please leave me alone.

3.) Girl Power - I also bask in the moments when there is another alone female on the rail and she wants to bond. Look sister, just because we are both here alone and both possess a vagina and boobs, does not mean that I want to be BFF's. Truly, I don't care that your boyfriend is an asshole, that your mother is crazy, or that the 25yo who just walked into the bar "is so hot!" I just want to watch my game and have a few drinks. If you're looking for Oprah, you sat down next to the wrong chick.

4.) Being a Regular - Since I do spend so many hours on a bar stool, I know my bartenders and have become good friends with some of them. Here's the deal: Yes, I know the bartender. Yes, I know his/her name. No, this will not get you served any faster, nor will it help you to get: a free drink, your game on, or the privilege to call him/her by their name if they did not introduce themselves. The 'industry' is a small, tight knit group and whereas all of my bartenders take care of me, we regulars take care of them. Oh, and just because I am talking to the bartender does not mean that we are dating, and no, I still don't want to talk to you.

5.) Why them? - There are many occasions where I do actually meet interesting, fun people in a bar and I genuinely enjoy the moments of talking ball, books, whatever. When this happens after I have rebuked you, the most interesting man in the world, please don't throw a tantrum; just be an adult and recognize that not every girl wants to hear your story, get your number, or go home with you. If you really want someone to talk to, call your friends or your therapist or just go home to your wife.

6.) Is that your guy? - Ah, yes, the moment where one of male friends, which is the majority of my inner circle, leaves and the guy next to me asks that ice breaker of a question: "Is that your guy?" Well, yes, in a way, I mean he is one of my closest friends. Oh wait! You wanted to know if we're dating? Ha! Apparently I missed that memo that I can only sit next to a guy and talk to him if I'm sleeping with him, or that's the best intro the most interesting man in the world can drum up. 

7.) My phone - Let's revisit the heading to this point and highlight the word "My." Because of the logistics of the evening, you, the most interesting man/girl in the world, are seated next to me. Maybe we have said a few words or more than likely, maybe not. Due to the fact that you are 6 inches away from my elbow, as well as the point that I have probably not spoken with you, this does not grant you private detective status to try and read my texts or look at my screen to see whom is texting me. It is rude, it is intrusive, and frankly, it is none of your damn business. 

So, yes, I could just stay home and not deal with the above listed annoyances. Really, I am truly not that bitchy, well, maybe I am...anyway, what it comes down to is that I'm choosy about who I want to engage with during my down time. It is really just that simple. In reality though, this list is minuscule compared to the great moments, memories, and friendships that have come from me sitting in a bar, which is why my ass still finds itself on a bar stool. So, friends: Drink well, drink often, and see you on the rail!

Comes and Goes in Waves

I met Schultzy 5 years ago and I lost him 8 months ago. I took the news of his death pretty hard on that mid-September day and have tried to process the void his loss left in my life. Quite frankly, I have been a little surprised at how much I have missed someone that I only spoke with a few times a month and only got to see once every few months, but we had a bond and a deep appreciation for each other that traversed my marriage, my divorce, his several failed relationships, the loss of the Beages, as well as everyday hurdles and challenges.

 I've been at the beach attempting to decompress after what we'll call a challenging year; both professional and personal and have thought of Schultzy every day that I've been here. More puzzling was that I had been missing him several weeks before I arrived here. It's not surprising that I think of him here; he loved the beach and the water as much as I do and found just as much solace and inner peace as I do.  So with hours by myself to just think while sitting under my umbrella with my toes in the sand, I began to deconstruct 'him.' And whereas this doesn't mean much to the rest of you, I felt that I needed to give all of my thoughts and feelings a 'voice' and hopefully walk away from this experience a stronger and more settled human concerning him. Here are my random thoughts:

1.) Though we only have one mutual friend, and that is a random connection, we were close and I can stop trying to explain our friendship. It just 'was' and we were always there for each other through good and bad.

2.) I relied on his advice, sense of humor, music, and simply, his being, more than I ever understood. I nick named him "Bio Rhythm Boy" because he would randomly contact me when I was thinking of him or if I needed to talk to him--he got me and had an innate way of knowing when it was important that I have him around for a few, or many as was much of the time, drinks and conversation.

3.) He was a dreamer and reminded me that I am too and that that is a good thing. We randomly met a bar, having a cigarette outside, and discussed Fitzgerald at length. That initial summer of 2010 conversation led to many more at length discussions and literary quotes to try and one up the other. Though some of my favorite memories involved him drunk texting me about his German and Viking heritage; most notably concerning dragons, yes, I said dragons. One morning I texted him about the previous night's conversation and with no apologies on his end, but his explanation, "Sometimes when I get drunk I like to slay dragons." I still smile and laugh when I think of that moment. That sums him up; he was a dreamer, a comedian, and always comfortable being simply him.

4.) He had a great love of music, literature, and the beach. This is where we really connected. I will always think of him when I read the Sun Also Rises and each and every time I put my toes in the sand or board a boat. We used to send each other pictures each time we were on the water or at the beach; I've really struggled with that this trip, which is why I'm writing this.

And most importantly, I remembered to yet again allow the waves and sand heal me. I have stopped trying to stop missing him and have allowed myself to remember him and the 5 years of friendship that we had while I've been sitting on the sand and watching the tides. I may not be able to text or call him, but I know that he would be happy for me that I am here and he would tell me to enjoy it and go to Irish Eyes for the Mahi Mahi and a few drinks.

So my dear, I raise my vodka/soda to your Bacardi and Coke and thank you for each moment that we shared. I hope that you have found your "Winter Dreams" and that you are sailing your beautiful boat each and every day for eternity.