marathons

So after being in a marriage for a good chunk of my adulthood, as well as having friends either married, in relationships, out of relationships, in between relationships, staunchly single or serial monogamists, I've observed & experienced many, many scenarios--both good and bad. Surprisingly, I actually stayed in on a Saturday night and finally watched "The Kids Are All Right." It was a fantastic movie and in my opinion, deserved all of the accolades it received, but beyond great acting from Bening and Moore, the film presented some very real moments, and I, for one, am grateful. I read an article the other day stating that more Hollywood films are nixing divorce and opting for parents to get back together. As a child of divorced parents and survivor of another maternal divorce, it does irk me that reality is not played out in Hollywood films. This isn't to say that divorce is grand, it's not. It is emotionally gut wrenching and one of the hardest, confusing, and draining moments in my life when I left my first husband. However, it does happen according to those busy statisticians who claim that 50% of first marriages end in a split and close to 60% of second marriages. So in a society where we look to films and books for not only escape & entertainment, but for moments of "wow! I can relate to that."why not present a more realistic view of marriage? I am one of the lucky ones, where my second marriage has worked out, and for once, I will not be included in a statistic. However, what I don't understand is the negative label divorce has been slapped with, especially in the modern day. Again, divorce sucks, but truly, it worked out for my parents and for me. My ex and I are better friends now than before and we have both ventured into unions with spouses we adore and choose to be with.

Now, in the film, it does appear that Bening and Moore will stay together, so everyone gets their happy ending. However, the actions preceding that moment are real, and thus, I believe, sets up a very plausible reconciliation. What really got me, was Moore's monologue in the livingroom and this is where I see a full exposition of truth, "Your mom and I are in hell right now and the bottom line is marriage is hard. It’s really fuckin’ hard. It’s just two people slogging through the shit, year after year, getting older, changing — fucking marathon, okay?" ....um, well damn, she's right. Marriage is a symbol of life: the ups and downs, victories and defeats, tears of joy and sadness and well, it's fucking hard at times. I don't know about you, but that reminds me a whole lot of my 37 years on this planet. The Human Element always fucks things up--logic is immediately thrown out of the window and creates complexities that are far beyond our reasoning at times. Throw into the mixture: emotions, convictions, hormones,chromosomes, kids and everything else that forms us as humans and you have the foundation for the great possibility of stupid decisions, selfish & hurtful moments and complete misunderstandings, which is what happens in the film. I think that besides acknowledging that marriage is "really fuckin' hard," it is a "fucking marathon." I've seen 'short sprints' lead to rash decisions and marriages that ultimately should've never even happened. But, these are not mine to judge. People make decisions with the knowledge that they possess at the time, however limited or vast that knowledge is. What I love about Moore's monologue more than anything, is that she presents marriage on an equal plane--yes, her and Bening are lesbians, but (& I know that this is a news flash to some of the more limited in scope) marriage is marriage, no matter your gender, sexual orientation, ethnicity, etc. It's fucking hard and I'm grateful that the film finally offers a real portrayal of that. 


Luckily, my husband and I realize that marriage is a marathon and we're "slogging through the shit" on the same page and happily, together. But for the couples out there that are unable to find that place, after true communication with themselves as individuals and a couple, counseling, or whatever avenues they attempt to explore for that last ditch effort of preserving their relationship, if that marathon is going to destroy you and/or your spouse, get out. Divorce is not the plague. Divorce does happen, a lot. I just wish that more film makers would recognize this and continue to give us some realistic moments, rather than grown up not-necessarily-real Disney endings.