I'm back from a long hiatus! Thanks to everyone, ok, all 7 of you, who have missed my random musings. March was a busy, drunken, birth month of debauchery & April brought family and friends to stay with us to tour DC and of all its monumental, museum glory. April also brought along our good-bye to the best damn Beagle ever, which is part of the reason I haven't filled your feeds & FB pages with my trivial observations. I'm still mourning the loss of Bentley, & quite frankly as someone who wears her emotions (all the good & bad) on my forehead (you may miss them on my sleeve) it's all I wanted to write about.
I did some personal, cathartic writing about him, but really, all of you knew about it and who wants to read depressing homages to the greatest dog who ever lived, over and over and over again?! So, I took a break.
But, here I sit on our patio during a lovely summer shower ready to amuse the masses again. I've had a few suggestions for topics:
--interesting attire at the bar...whereas the snotty elitist in me LOVES that idea, I have to admit that at times I roll in a baseball cap, over-sized sweatshirt & jeans, looking something like a troll. People in glass houses thing, pot calling kettle thing--all bad karma. Maybe after Tim Gunn becomes my new best friend & I walk around in public looking absolutely fabulous (though I do look like Patsy from AbFab a lot--only the vodka, not the fake blond) all of the time, will I allow myself to write about it.
--music...I do this anyway, & really, now that I'm in my mid 30's and semi-wrapped up in the adulthood thing (only when necessary, which seems to be 21 out of my 24 hours a day anymore!) I'm out of the loop. Not like listening to the radio out of the loop, but definitely not like back in my Wall days (shout outs to Jeanine C. & Dave D.!!), so I feel like that awkward Freshman trying to get an invitation to the Senior lunch table.
--books, movies, & all things artsy...see above comment
So, I think I'll stick with my Squirrel topics of choice and continue to attempt to amuse all of you...
Why It Truly Is a Great Idea That We Did Not Have Kids:
Besides my husband's comment of "Let's grill 'em," which is an obvious reason, really, I'm too selfish, too lazy, & I expect too much from people. Kids require so much freakin' effort to raise them, keep them from killing themselves, keep others from killing them, making sure they do well in school, don't get knocked up or knock someone else up, dealing with tantrums and play dates and I haven't even touched on the other major things that can go wrong. Holy Shit! I like kids, really I do. I just like the ones who belong to someone else, so that we can go sit on a barstool at any point, say 'Fuck' as many times in our house as I deem necessary, still be able to go on a plane with only carry-on bags, and yet give really cool gifts as the most awesomest Aunt & Uncle.
Plain & simple: Kids are exhausting! I give big, ginormous kudos to each and every one of you parents out there. So here are my top 5 things I would keep stocked if we did have a little person:
1) Benedryl: Good night wee one! See you in 12 hours. A must for all car trips over an hour, any time I would be watching an episode of an HBO series, and when the word "mommy" was 2x too many. So honestly, probably every 12 hours.
2)Duct Tape: Yes, Junior, you will stay in the car seat,high chair, swing thingy and dammit, you'll like it! DYFS would have me red flagged from Day One.
3) Vodka: well, that's already a currently stocked item, but if we had a kid, I betcha I would learn to love it mixed with Capri Suns.
4)My Counselor's number on speed dial: I don't mean in my cell phone, I mean like a White House Red Phone, Bat Phone deal--unlimited minutes plan & flat rate for sessions.
5) A Full Medieval Arsenal of Weapons: Go ahead--touch (insert whatever he/she is not supposed to be touching) one more time! I'd break out the rack, or hatchet or what ever vikings, romans, or whomever used and start swinging in the air. Problem is, I'd probably hit my kid, hence the DYFS thing again.
Whereas I know a lot of you parents have said the same thing, the truth is, WE WOULD DO all of these things--therein lies the difference...including my husband possibly grilling 'em. So Rest Easy my friends, we will continue to influence your wee folk with bad habits and bad words, and great books, but will stay childless ourselves. And to be completely self-indulgent: Rest Easy Bentley Beagle--you're still the best damn Beagle ever & I miss you everyday. Thanks for always being there throughout some of the best and worst 15 years of my life. xo
